Nights I couldn't sleep you let the sun beat you home I ask myself over again what am I doing wrong to make you stay out all night and not think to call

i just...

i don't understand life, i don't understand myself, i don't understand feelings, i don't understand anything.
i hate and love this person .
this is the most confusing emotions ever to feel HATE and LOVE for the same person. i really don't understand this shit, it's messing with my head and it's fucking me over big time.
i'm trapped .
i trapped myself in ,
my feelings won't let me "let go" .
but its also, feelings that tell me enough is enough.
you can't go forward and back at the same time :
therefore im not moving. i cant.
so i have to go along with whatever bullshit said person wants to throw at me
until i have made a choice .
fml seriously.
i never thought i'd end up being this type of person.
but LOVE is a bitch!!
it knows just when to get you, and how to do it.
i feel pathetic to have stooped as low as to one of those staying in an unhappy unsatisfactory relationship.
im so ready to leave.
but the thought of someone else taking my place (even though im not gonna front isn't much)
really has a way to fucking get to me.
i refuse to have put up with so much bullshit to leave the spot wide open to some bitch on the come up. smh.

im doing this to myself. this is all my fault.
i've never in my life known when to let go
from useless trash to- a waste of a person ,

we're all chasing the fast life
the fast money, get rich schemes
street children.
not having no degree
the i want it i'm gonna take it fuck working for it because i need it
.stealing lying and deceiving
nothing to look forward to just another day for an even longer struggle
forget working for the man to make a dollar
hustling getting chump change;
have nothing to show for it but vague memories of the high and buzz it got you.
putting aside foolish things we once deemed valuable
friends, family, relationships
all a gamble no one sticks around in this cold place.
shackles; holding us back from what we could be
sleeping potential just rotting away in a jail cell
wanna leave but never follow through
grown used to the easy way out
consequences go out the windows
for we are not the children of tomorrow
when the streets is our mother
and its not like we don't know we're living wrong
but the streets keep calling our name

am i...

..the only one that hates when he’s got me feelin those
Butterflies
in my tummy ?






those shits make me feel like throwing up..lol

and once again.

so chris decide to send me another message after that last time i told him off. and hes acting so normal the subject says call me and i open the message he says "what have u been doin". idk im just tired of dealing with his ass now, i mean if he woulda sent this message two weeks ago i woulda been happy as shit, wondering && analyzing everyy word and tryna figure out something stupid and meaningless. hmm.. like last time he messaged me , which was a month ago, and he was just talking dumb bullshit bout he misses me why did i change my number and to call him. wow that shit really mest me up had me thinkin bout his ass all week i was even nervous just writing back to him , i missed him so much i just wanted to give in. idk why but i always notice just as soon im doing good and leaving his ass behind he always finds a way & pops back up and complicates everything and i lose track of everything and my emotions go up and down like crazy. but idk this time is diffrent i feel as if he didnt message me at all, i dont feel like writing back.. i already thought about it.. but naw theres no point, he's still the same. and he cant give me what i need from him. so i just gotta keep it moving. he's still tryna play games and im not tryna fall back into the hole that i just climbed back up from im not fallin for him and his lies again. im not sayin im over him bcuz im pretty sure im not but idk i just feel i gotta accept it and deal with. i cant make him change his mind about the situation and he wont change mine, he really let me know how he felt so for me to keep trying after he says im nothing to him is just stupid on my part. so im letting go. i still miss him but the 'lonely' feeling doesnt hurt me as bad like before. i know i will miss him later but i just wish we could just go back to friends but i know thats not possible i cant be just friends with him :(
maybe someday we can, but not rite now; lol i'll just fall back in theres still too many feelings on my side. hmm this got me thinking why did he message me tho? like forreal. the message seemed so basic.. i decided to go see who else he messaged so i logged on his myspace, but he only messaged me n this other girl he just told her "hit up yo boy" *eye roll* or sum stupid shit like that so im not worried about that. hes lameee. his shit seemes so stupid now. hes worthless i other words trash*. so i feel like deleting all his shit from my phone his pics his old text messages (i've had his old text messages on my phone for like 3 straight months, evrytime my inbox fills up i delete evryone elses but his, and idk why im doing all this i dont even read them anymore i just dont wanna delete them)and his number even tho i kno it by heart. im fine with keeping him on myspace as a friend tho idc cuz i dont go on myspace like that and i mean im not angry at him like before so i think its whatevrs on myspace. its not like im gonna start messaging him n shit cuz im not but just in case i ever wanna contact him n see how hes doin i kno hes on my friends list cuz im not planning on giving him my new number. i dont feel the need to completely let him out of my life. but from everything else that isnt myspace.. uhh yeah he has to go. so im not even gonna post about his dumbass this is ridiculous like forreal wtf? it's like this whole blog is a dedication to him! its all about him, not me . smh, that's allll i ever talk about. but thats done.. i hope. he's no good hes worthless & useless. lol && its just funny to me cuz i've known that all this time but i still wanted to hold onto him n keep him knowing hes not shit. oh well i dont anymore and i need to take out the trash ;)
hehe

where tha fckks my ranch???

soo my moms renting out a room in our house to her *used to be neighbor friend's son* (he's got to be between 19-22 yrs). and idk how long he's been here maybe a month and a couple weeks? idk its like 2 months almost so i might as well say that. first month , ehhh dude was alrite he left to work at 5 in the morning && would come back around 3ishh. then he would leave around 5 & come back around 9 maybe 10 pm. But now i think dude lost his job or sumthin so im assuming his dad's gonna pay for rent now. Anyway thats not the point of this post. or maybe it is idk not treally i just wanna complain about him. well since he lost his job he's home alllllll day long! locked up in his room & it's none of my bizzness but dayuuuum! nd this is everyday. also he occasionally "cooks" as in maccaroni & cheese or cup noodles. but umm yeah dude leaves his dishes there for us to wash. sometimes when he cooks he uses our seasoned salt or stuff like that. && no one minds. but umm anywhoo's today i was eating pizza and i decided to go to the fridge && get the ranch out.... :[ yeah it was gone? i couldnt find it no where on the damn fridge! i asked my mom, i asked my sister, & i also looked again. well of course he took it!!. he uses our fridge to put his food in there like he has chicken in the freezer or to put his milk. but he recently got a mini-fridge so im guessing he only puts some stuff there the others he puts it in our fridge. well anyways the ranch was there 2 days ago! it was a brand new bottle too :'[ so yeahhh im pretty sure its now sittin pretty in his mini fridge. and i feel weird to ask for it back , bcuz he never asked if he could have some and i actually wouldn't mind if he wanted some as long as he left it in MY fridge! not took it to his! idkk if maybe he thought it was his or not?? idk. well anyways i was tellin my mom i couldnt believe he stole my ranch and she basically said he has no shame. this dudes always bringing girls home.. different ones at that. just yesterday he brought his gf and today idk who this broad was but she came out the room with her hair lookin a mess. 0_o lol & even though it's none of my business it does seem disrespectful. i dont really care like i said its none of my bizzness tho. all i wanna kno wtfxup with my ranch????

thirsty? yes.

so i logged on chris myspace again, since i havent heard from him in a while.. well actually no i lied yes i have heard from him but i kinda overreacted and got mad at him and told him off... again. i didnt give him my new number or anything and told him we cant see each other no more & that was it. so yeah im not gonna message him anytime soon. so i really wanted to know how he was doing so i took it upon myself to check. 0_o
and this dudeee.... aha. he's sooo thirstyy.! it's disgusting! i copied one of his convos. now i wouldnt have posted this except he was asking all of his homeboys where are the gurlz at?? and this one just made me lmfaoo. so like that's all he's thinking bout rite now. so yeahh. chris is a thirst bucket.!

-----
From: chris //To: g.HH


Hey This message was sent by your friend via the Mafia Wars app. To block this app and all communications from it, click Here.

chris added you to their mafia. Click below to accept.

Play Mafia Wars


------------ Original Message ------------
From: g.HH //To: chris

wat up????

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: chris //To: g.HH

Hey hey what u been up to whhats new


------------ Original Message ------------

From: g.HH //To: chris

shit just wrkin kikin it wit dwight still... tryin to stay off ppl's radar's wat u been up to???

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: chris //To: g.HH

Hey just hangin out in *city* lookin 4 the ladies

------------ Original Message ------------

From: g.HH //To: chris

haha good shit thts always happenin werever we at.... soo wats new wit u???

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: chris //To: g.HH

Hey whats up bring me around some im just tryin to find a job and the ladies

------------ Original Message ------------

From: g.HH //To: chris

well shit we gotta kik it then u can c wats up... we be goin to the beach anywhere we no there's gonna be gurls at u kno.... u got a cell...


------------ Original Message ------------

From: chris //To: g.HH

yeah its (###)###-#### my bad i forgot ur name tho

& yeahhh ^ thats the message. at first i guess it started with an app. invite then the friend wrote bacc, lol but it's just funny cuz chris dumb ass dont even rember his friends name! but they already exchanged numbers and made plans to find "ladies". lolz whatta dumbass he is! this just made me laughhhh so much!

i used to be the pretty friend.

lately idk what is going on but i've noticed that whenever me and my bff'o (best friend) are out and about, dudes are always trynna holla,... AT HER! lol now im not jealous but and i know everyone has different taste so excuse my cockyness.. but WTF?! lol seriously like what about me?? i am not ugly and neither is she. Now i remember it was only like last year everytime we were out they would always be tryna holla at me.., but i guess the tables jus turned on me?. idk if it was cuz back then i used to dress with more revealing clothing and was superr flirtyyy. And now i dress casual not showing too much skin like i used to (i was almost like a freakin skank! ahah j/k tho) but now also im not into what there saying and dont paricipate much in the convo clearly because im not interested, but danggg! i mean why dont they try to get my number ?
so it happened today which got me thinking if i had suddenly turned into the ugly friend. We were talking to sum random dude while waiting for a friend outside the apartment complex.. so he was giving us "guy" advice and telling us whats going on thru a guys perspective.. so yeah this was for about 15 mins. then our friend finally showed up and we had to leave so then he asks if he can get her number down but she ends up getting his cuz i guess this dude had no phone of his own so he end up giving her his friends # sayin hit him up there. okayyyyyy??? wtf? now i dont have a low self esteem and dont depend on this dude to get a boost of it either.. like forreall this nigga aint even cute. but it got me thinking they havent been trynna "holla" at me! so i started thinking what could possibly look 'wrong' on me that he didnt want my number? and these are the possibilities i came up with. so i thought my hair? now i have long hair and i admit i have damged the shit out of it like its so over processed but i dont wanna cut it! its my baby :) ♥ lol , then theres also that my makeup was melting cuz it was hot as fucc,ooh and i think this is the main one i swear. i have a big pimple in my cheek and i have a clear face so it stands out that much more!! it looks ugly like it doesnt belong! hmm what i was wearing i looked like a lil preppy school cuz i had on one of those vests. and thats it.! lol and she was wearing all her hair in a beanie, regular tee and sandals im not hating at all she looked casual but nice not many ppl can pull of a nice casual. and i was wearing my schoolgirl vest, with a white tank top underneath and some neon pink vans. And i jus feel a lil weird now becuz before 'wen i looked better'.. i guess, she would always try to compete with me to prove that guys liked her as much as they liked me. so i jus feel weird now cuz i feel like they dont like me. And i cant help to think that she thinks shes better than me. and i kno shes noticed by now too that theyre always tryna call her. and as much as i hate competing with her, because she is my bff. i feel like i have to step 'my game' up forrealll, lol its not even about the guys and once in a while they do holla at me (and some are actually cute ;] ) lol cuz that guy i repeat was not cutee. and most guys that do holla at her arent cute either. prolly cuz theres not too many cuties around here. but yeah i feel like thats it no more miss.niceguy

p.s. im not sayin im 'the ugly friend' now, bcuz im not jus sayin im not the prettiest :[ lol dont judge me.