and once again.

so chris decide to send me another message after that last time i told him off. and hes acting so normal the subject says call me and i open the message he says "what have u been doin". idk im just tired of dealing with his ass now, i mean if he woulda sent this message two weeks ago i woulda been happy as shit, wondering && analyzing everyy word and tryna figure out something stupid and meaningless. hmm.. like last time he messaged me , which was a month ago, and he was just talking dumb bullshit bout he misses me why did i change my number and to call him. wow that shit really mest me up had me thinkin bout his ass all week i was even nervous just writing back to him , i missed him so much i just wanted to give in. idk why but i always notice just as soon im doing good and leaving his ass behind he always finds a way & pops back up and complicates everything and i lose track of everything and my emotions go up and down like crazy. but idk this time is diffrent i feel as if he didnt message me at all, i dont feel like writing back.. i already thought about it.. but naw theres no point, he's still the same. and he cant give me what i need from him. so i just gotta keep it moving. he's still tryna play games and im not tryna fall back into the hole that i just climbed back up from im not fallin for him and his lies again. im not sayin im over him bcuz im pretty sure im not but idk i just feel i gotta accept it and deal with. i cant make him change his mind about the situation and he wont change mine, he really let me know how he felt so for me to keep trying after he says im nothing to him is just stupid on my part. so im letting go. i still miss him but the 'lonely' feeling doesnt hurt me as bad like before. i know i will miss him later but i just wish we could just go back to friends but i know thats not possible i cant be just friends with him :(
maybe someday we can, but not rite now; lol i'll just fall back in theres still too many feelings on my side. hmm this got me thinking why did he message me tho? like forreal. the message seemed so basic.. i decided to go see who else he messaged so i logged on his myspace, but he only messaged me n this other girl he just told her "hit up yo boy" *eye roll* or sum stupid shit like that so im not worried about that. hes lameee. his shit seemes so stupid now. hes worthless i other words trash*. so i feel like deleting all his shit from my phone his pics his old text messages (i've had his old text messages on my phone for like 3 straight months, evrytime my inbox fills up i delete evryone elses but his, and idk why im doing all this i dont even read them anymore i just dont wanna delete them)and his number even tho i kno it by heart. im fine with keeping him on myspace as a friend tho idc cuz i dont go on myspace like that and i mean im not angry at him like before so i think its whatevrs on myspace. its not like im gonna start messaging him n shit cuz im not but just in case i ever wanna contact him n see how hes doin i kno hes on my friends list cuz im not planning on giving him my new number. i dont feel the need to completely let him out of my life. but from everything else that isnt myspace.. uhh yeah he has to go. so im not even gonna post about his dumbass this is ridiculous like forreal wtf? it's like this whole blog is a dedication to him! its all about him, not me . smh, that's allll i ever talk about. but thats done.. i hope. he's no good hes worthless & useless. lol && its just funny to me cuz i've known that all this time but i still wanted to hold onto him n keep him knowing hes not shit. oh well i dont anymore and i need to take out the trash ;)
hehe

i used to be the pretty friend.

lately idk what is going on but i've noticed that whenever me and my bff'o (best friend) are out and about, dudes are always trynna holla,... AT HER! lol now im not jealous but and i know everyone has different taste so excuse my cockyness.. but WTF?! lol seriously like what about me?? i am not ugly and neither is she. Now i remember it was only like last year everytime we were out they would always be tryna holla at me.., but i guess the tables jus turned on me?. idk if it was cuz back then i used to dress with more revealing clothing and was superr flirtyyy. And now i dress casual not showing too much skin like i used to (i was almost like a freakin skank! ahah j/k tho) but now also im not into what there saying and dont paricipate much in the convo clearly because im not interested, but danggg! i mean why dont they try to get my number ?
so it happened today which got me thinking if i had suddenly turned into the ugly friend. We were talking to sum random dude while waiting for a friend outside the apartment complex.. so he was giving us "guy" advice and telling us whats going on thru a guys perspective.. so yeah this was for about 15 mins. then our friend finally showed up and we had to leave so then he asks if he can get her number down but she ends up getting his cuz i guess this dude had no phone of his own so he end up giving her his friends # sayin hit him up there. okayyyyyy??? wtf? now i dont have a low self esteem and dont depend on this dude to get a boost of it either.. like forreall this nigga aint even cute. but it got me thinking they havent been trynna "holla" at me! so i started thinking what could possibly look 'wrong' on me that he didnt want my number? and these are the possibilities i came up with. so i thought my hair? now i have long hair and i admit i have damged the shit out of it like its so over processed but i dont wanna cut it! its my baby :) ♥ lol , then theres also that my makeup was melting cuz it was hot as fucc,ooh and i think this is the main one i swear. i have a big pimple in my cheek and i have a clear face so it stands out that much more!! it looks ugly like it doesnt belong! hmm what i was wearing i looked like a lil preppy school cuz i had on one of those vests. and thats it.! lol and she was wearing all her hair in a beanie, regular tee and sandals im not hating at all she looked casual but nice not many ppl can pull of a nice casual. and i was wearing my schoolgirl vest, with a white tank top underneath and some neon pink vans. And i jus feel a lil weird now becuz before 'wen i looked better'.. i guess, she would always try to compete with me to prove that guys liked her as much as they liked me. so i jus feel weird now cuz i feel like they dont like me. And i cant help to think that she thinks shes better than me. and i kno shes noticed by now too that theyre always tryna call her. and as much as i hate competing with her, because she is my bff. i feel like i have to step 'my game' up forrealll, lol its not even about the guys and once in a while they do holla at me (and some are actually cute ;] ) lol cuz that guy i repeat was not cutee. and most guys that do holla at her arent cute either. prolly cuz theres not too many cuties around here. but yeah i feel like thats it no more miss.niceguy

p.s. im not sayin im 'the ugly friend' now, bcuz im not jus sayin im not the prettiest :[ lol dont judge me.

you didnt know

as time keeps passing its starting to feel like we never had nothing, nothing special anyway, nothing worth mentioning.
im losing those bad habits; that at once i couldnt control
you see no more checking up on you
to see how youre doing or who youre talking to
i dont care enough to go check anymore.
and this time around..
i dont have to fight myself.
trying to keep it cool,
like taking off a pair of glasses, i DONT need,
now i see the truth!
youre much smaller than i thoought you to be im not so worried like before,crying over you to my friends on the phone, i feel like im moving on finally dropping the dead weight that wouldnt let me move and that is you!
no more worrying about if you'll call cuz deep down i know you wont;
and its okay my cell phones turned off and its okay
im not stressing i dont care, i have a new number that you dont know
its starting not to bother me that;
theres no way for you to contact me.
im slowly starting to see the sunrise after the dark night, and im not gonna lie the night life was fun while it lasted..
but it feels so good to see the sun again
no more getting tricked by the nights shady ways; i could see everything thats getting hit by the suns rays.
its not bothering me to think youre with them and not me
knowing my worth amounts no where near theirs
its not a big deal anymore really
me staying would only result in me being cheated out of my worth
and now i can think back to those hurtful words you said to me:
that i dont mean anything & i never mattered.
it's alright i feel like im ready to let go;
i feel just about ready to delete those last words you told me from my phone
im DONE over-analyzing your words tryna find a hidden meaning
that i well know DOESN'T exist.
realizing i just wasted my time with you but im not bitter..
no more.
you dont even phaze me at this point all i can say is fuck it,
it is what it is and now that i got my mind cleared
i can actually mean it this time unlike before
when i said it cuz you hurt me.
but, YOU never mattered and its true.
not gonna keep rambling about you
and how youre garbage, you already know
because i told you.
but thats not the point,
it's just to say you dont get the last laugh like you probably thought you did
its to take away that satisfaction you thought you had
so you can wipe that smile off youre face like you won
because you just won a battle, but you lost the war.

im ready to leave it in the past..

Alright now...
schools about to start and i've been taking the longest two year vacay. these past 5 months ive been doing super bad in school. not going and not turning in any workk. Now that im clearing my mind i realized i wasted my time on a nobody and for nothing too, cuz he dont wanna talk to me no more.. but fuckkk it! i dont give a fuck about his dumb ass no more. i feel like im finally leaving denial now; and im seeing things for what they really are. i was acting stupid over a aint shit nigga but im a bout to get smart real quick. ima call it what it is now his words no longer hurt me, i havent gone to check up on his myspace in 5 days! and its whatever now im not gonna keep taking advantage of his dumbass not knowing i know his password and read all the messages he sends to all those hoes; its whatev. seriouslyy. i could go check but nahh i dont even feel like it no more. he could do him now; i dont give a shitt no more. he said i aint mean nothin to him, well i can now honestly say the same about him. and its whatever i dont care no more that i did waste my time on him and he didnt appreciate it. it is what it is and i cant get that time backk. now im going back to school and its time to do me now too; i fell off got to much shit i gotta catch up with but fuck it.
now that im getting over his ass his shit is so funny can u believe this nigga try to tell me "im gonna miss out" haah get tha fckk outta here .! lol but now i can see straight like its really him thats missing out and i dont give a fuck about it no more cuz before i was so stuck on why he'd let something good pass him by? but now i realize its not my loss so i shouldnt mourn.. i dont lose shit after all.. ahaha yea its my turn to laugh now he already had his. and this bitch nigga really had me twistedd, i just feel mad at myself i let him talk to me the way he did and treat me like shitt. but no more im glad it happend like it did, he did he thought he had me wrapped around his finger..! haaha but he doesnt have shit now and its okay im not worried about him cuz he wasnt worried about me and thats it. its all in the past now cuz im letting that shit go and moving on, and yup i get the last laugh! hahaha