am i...

..the only one that hates when he’s got me feelin those
Butterflies
in my tummy ?






those shits make me feel like throwing up..lol

and once again.

so chris decide to send me another message after that last time i told him off. and hes acting so normal the subject says call me and i open the message he says "what have u been doin". idk im just tired of dealing with his ass now, i mean if he woulda sent this message two weeks ago i woulda been happy as shit, wondering && analyzing everyy word and tryna figure out something stupid and meaningless. hmm.. like last time he messaged me , which was a month ago, and he was just talking dumb bullshit bout he misses me why did i change my number and to call him. wow that shit really mest me up had me thinkin bout his ass all week i was even nervous just writing back to him , i missed him so much i just wanted to give in. idk why but i always notice just as soon im doing good and leaving his ass behind he always finds a way & pops back up and complicates everything and i lose track of everything and my emotions go up and down like crazy. but idk this time is diffrent i feel as if he didnt message me at all, i dont feel like writing back.. i already thought about it.. but naw theres no point, he's still the same. and he cant give me what i need from him. so i just gotta keep it moving. he's still tryna play games and im not tryna fall back into the hole that i just climbed back up from im not fallin for him and his lies again. im not sayin im over him bcuz im pretty sure im not but idk i just feel i gotta accept it and deal with. i cant make him change his mind about the situation and he wont change mine, he really let me know how he felt so for me to keep trying after he says im nothing to him is just stupid on my part. so im letting go. i still miss him but the 'lonely' feeling doesnt hurt me as bad like before. i know i will miss him later but i just wish we could just go back to friends but i know thats not possible i cant be just friends with him :(
maybe someday we can, but not rite now; lol i'll just fall back in theres still too many feelings on my side. hmm this got me thinking why did he message me tho? like forreal. the message seemed so basic.. i decided to go see who else he messaged so i logged on his myspace, but he only messaged me n this other girl he just told her "hit up yo boy" *eye roll* or sum stupid shit like that so im not worried about that. hes lameee. his shit seemes so stupid now. hes worthless i other words trash*. so i feel like deleting all his shit from my phone his pics his old text messages (i've had his old text messages on my phone for like 3 straight months, evrytime my inbox fills up i delete evryone elses but his, and idk why im doing all this i dont even read them anymore i just dont wanna delete them)and his number even tho i kno it by heart. im fine with keeping him on myspace as a friend tho idc cuz i dont go on myspace like that and i mean im not angry at him like before so i think its whatevrs on myspace. its not like im gonna start messaging him n shit cuz im not but just in case i ever wanna contact him n see how hes doin i kno hes on my friends list cuz im not planning on giving him my new number. i dont feel the need to completely let him out of my life. but from everything else that isnt myspace.. uhh yeah he has to go. so im not even gonna post about his dumbass this is ridiculous like forreal wtf? it's like this whole blog is a dedication to him! its all about him, not me . smh, that's allll i ever talk about. but thats done.. i hope. he's no good hes worthless & useless. lol && its just funny to me cuz i've known that all this time but i still wanted to hold onto him n keep him knowing hes not shit. oh well i dont anymore and i need to take out the trash ;)
hehe

where tha fckks my ranch???

soo my moms renting out a room in our house to her *used to be neighbor friend's son* (he's got to be between 19-22 yrs). and idk how long he's been here maybe a month and a couple weeks? idk its like 2 months almost so i might as well say that. first month , ehhh dude was alrite he left to work at 5 in the morning && would come back around 3ishh. then he would leave around 5 & come back around 9 maybe 10 pm. But now i think dude lost his job or sumthin so im assuming his dad's gonna pay for rent now. Anyway thats not the point of this post. or maybe it is idk not treally i just wanna complain about him. well since he lost his job he's home alllllll day long! locked up in his room & it's none of my bizzness but dayuuuum! nd this is everyday. also he occasionally "cooks" as in maccaroni & cheese or cup noodles. but umm yeah dude leaves his dishes there for us to wash. sometimes when he cooks he uses our seasoned salt or stuff like that. && no one minds. but umm anywhoo's today i was eating pizza and i decided to go to the fridge && get the ranch out.... :[ yeah it was gone? i couldnt find it no where on the damn fridge! i asked my mom, i asked my sister, & i also looked again. well of course he took it!!. he uses our fridge to put his food in there like he has chicken in the freezer or to put his milk. but he recently got a mini-fridge so im guessing he only puts some stuff there the others he puts it in our fridge. well anyways the ranch was there 2 days ago! it was a brand new bottle too :'[ so yeahhh im pretty sure its now sittin pretty in his mini fridge. and i feel weird to ask for it back , bcuz he never asked if he could have some and i actually wouldn't mind if he wanted some as long as he left it in MY fridge! not took it to his! idkk if maybe he thought it was his or not?? idk. well anyways i was tellin my mom i couldnt believe he stole my ranch and she basically said he has no shame. this dudes always bringing girls home.. different ones at that. just yesterday he brought his gf and today idk who this broad was but she came out the room with her hair lookin a mess. 0_o lol & even though it's none of my business it does seem disrespectful. i dont really care like i said its none of my bizzness tho. all i wanna kno wtfxup with my ranch????

i used to be the pretty friend.

lately idk what is going on but i've noticed that whenever me and my bff'o (best friend) are out and about, dudes are always trynna holla,... AT HER! lol now im not jealous but and i know everyone has different taste so excuse my cockyness.. but WTF?! lol seriously like what about me?? i am not ugly and neither is she. Now i remember it was only like last year everytime we were out they would always be tryna holla at me.., but i guess the tables jus turned on me?. idk if it was cuz back then i used to dress with more revealing clothing and was superr flirtyyy. And now i dress casual not showing too much skin like i used to (i was almost like a freakin skank! ahah j/k tho) but now also im not into what there saying and dont paricipate much in the convo clearly because im not interested, but danggg! i mean why dont they try to get my number ?
so it happened today which got me thinking if i had suddenly turned into the ugly friend. We were talking to sum random dude while waiting for a friend outside the apartment complex.. so he was giving us "guy" advice and telling us whats going on thru a guys perspective.. so yeah this was for about 15 mins. then our friend finally showed up and we had to leave so then he asks if he can get her number down but she ends up getting his cuz i guess this dude had no phone of his own so he end up giving her his friends # sayin hit him up there. okayyyyyy??? wtf? now i dont have a low self esteem and dont depend on this dude to get a boost of it either.. like forreall this nigga aint even cute. but it got me thinking they havent been trynna "holla" at me! so i started thinking what could possibly look 'wrong' on me that he didnt want my number? and these are the possibilities i came up with. so i thought my hair? now i have long hair and i admit i have damged the shit out of it like its so over processed but i dont wanna cut it! its my baby :) ♥ lol , then theres also that my makeup was melting cuz it was hot as fucc,ooh and i think this is the main one i swear. i have a big pimple in my cheek and i have a clear face so it stands out that much more!! it looks ugly like it doesnt belong! hmm what i was wearing i looked like a lil preppy school cuz i had on one of those vests. and thats it.! lol and she was wearing all her hair in a beanie, regular tee and sandals im not hating at all she looked casual but nice not many ppl can pull of a nice casual. and i was wearing my schoolgirl vest, with a white tank top underneath and some neon pink vans. And i jus feel a lil weird now becuz before 'wen i looked better'.. i guess, she would always try to compete with me to prove that guys liked her as much as they liked me. so i jus feel weird now cuz i feel like they dont like me. And i cant help to think that she thinks shes better than me. and i kno shes noticed by now too that theyre always tryna call her. and as much as i hate competing with her, because she is my bff. i feel like i have to step 'my game' up forrealll, lol its not even about the guys and once in a while they do holla at me (and some are actually cute ;] ) lol cuz that guy i repeat was not cutee. and most guys that do holla at her arent cute either. prolly cuz theres not too many cuties around here. but yeah i feel like thats it no more miss.niceguy

p.s. im not sayin im 'the ugly friend' now, bcuz im not jus sayin im not the prettiest :[ lol dont judge me.

Running out of strenght & patience.

ughhh i cant believe this but i cant get him off my mind for a couple days now. And it's killing me i feel guilty for what happend somehow i feel like this was all my fault im jus missing him soo much right now. And i know it's not my fault and im seriously tired of moping around bcuz of him and bitching about him too but theres nothing else going through my mind.. just him. So it's all i gotta say is about him. i have been trying to be strong and not go look at his myspace cuz once i do i just know how tempted i'll be to log into it and see what hes been up to. but it's really not a healthy thing for me to do. I'll just end up back in square one. i wonder if hes tried to call me?.. hmm idk since i got a new number. i just want to know. Is it possible hes completely forgotten about me now? i mean yes he has alot of females he talks to so its not like hes like me with noone to talk to rite now, so he probably doesnt even notice the difference without me, since we were drifting apart anyways. i seriously feel like just go look at his profile and see from the outside.. but i dont trust myself. And am soo scared of more feelings rushing back to me. i wonder if he regrets anything.. probably not though. i seriously wish i could just get trough to him. im tired of daydreaming of him messaging me asking for forgiveness and showing up at my house to try to talk to me again.. but i guess if he hasnt done it he isnt concerned with it and im soo sure hes moved on. i just have so many questions going on through my mind is he still drinking and smoking weed everyday?, is he working now?, who is he talking to?, does he have a girlfriend?.. ughhh its killing me im just hoping i dont give in and go check :[

you didnt know

as time keeps passing its starting to feel like we never had nothing, nothing special anyway, nothing worth mentioning.
im losing those bad habits; that at once i couldnt control
you see no more checking up on you
to see how youre doing or who youre talking to
i dont care enough to go check anymore.
and this time around..
i dont have to fight myself.
trying to keep it cool,
like taking off a pair of glasses, i DONT need,
now i see the truth!
youre much smaller than i thoought you to be im not so worried like before,crying over you to my friends on the phone, i feel like im moving on finally dropping the dead weight that wouldnt let me move and that is you!
no more worrying about if you'll call cuz deep down i know you wont;
and its okay my cell phones turned off and its okay
im not stressing i dont care, i have a new number that you dont know
its starting not to bother me that;
theres no way for you to contact me.
im slowly starting to see the sunrise after the dark night, and im not gonna lie the night life was fun while it lasted..
but it feels so good to see the sun again
no more getting tricked by the nights shady ways; i could see everything thats getting hit by the suns rays.
its not bothering me to think youre with them and not me
knowing my worth amounts no where near theirs
its not a big deal anymore really
me staying would only result in me being cheated out of my worth
and now i can think back to those hurtful words you said to me:
that i dont mean anything & i never mattered.
it's alright i feel like im ready to let go;
i feel just about ready to delete those last words you told me from my phone
im DONE over-analyzing your words tryna find a hidden meaning
that i well know DOESN'T exist.
realizing i just wasted my time with you but im not bitter..
no more.
you dont even phaze me at this point all i can say is fuck it,
it is what it is and now that i got my mind cleared
i can actually mean it this time unlike before
when i said it cuz you hurt me.
but, YOU never mattered and its true.
not gonna keep rambling about you
and how youre garbage, you already know
because i told you.
but thats not the point,
it's just to say you dont get the last laugh like you probably thought you did
its to take away that satisfaction you thought you had
so you can wipe that smile off youre face like you won
because you just won a battle, but you lost the war.